The one that made me cry abit

Without me realizing it, a few years has passed since I first started blogging. From a platform where I write to express my feelings, it has evolved to also become a record of my thoughts at any particular time in my life. I find myself reading my posts from years ago and revisiting my experiences and emotional journeys at the time of those posts.

I quote this extract from “Disappointment with God” by Philip Yancey, because I want to be able to re-read this post years later and recall how I teared when I read this on my flight during my business trip to Bangkok…

“ “Suppose there was a king who loved a humble maiden.” Begins a story by Kierkegaard.

The king was like no other king. Every statesman trembled before his power. No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents. And yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden.

How could he declare his love for her? In an odd sort of way, his very kingliness tied his hands. If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body with royal robes, she would surely not resist – no one dared resist him. But would she love him?

She would say she loved him of course, but would she truly? Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she left behind. Would she be happy at his side? How could he know?

If he rode to her forest cottage in a royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her. He did not want a cringing subject. He wanted a lover, an equal. He wanted her to forget that he was a king and to let shared love cross over the gulf between them.

“For it is only in love that the unequal can be made equal,” concluded Kierkegaard. The king, convinced that he could not elevate the maiden without crushing her freedom, resolved to descend… he renounced the throne to win her hand.”

Like I said, I teared when I read this. In modern day Singapore context, I’d expect this maiden to be from the heartlands of Choa Chu Kang, frequently dressed in t-shirt & maybe FBT shorts, with hardly ever any makeup and definitely no Louis Vuitton, Coach or even Aldo in her wardrobe, who enjoys her meals at the local hawker centre and doesn’t know her dessert spoon from her soup spoon. I try to think of a guy who’s well-educated, perhaps a CPA or CFA, or someone holding a PHD in Financial Engineering – would such a man fall for Heartland girl? Unlikely, but that is exactly the kind of love depicted in that excerpt. It is not only the love of the king that disregards the difference in status, but that he would give his all for the love of the humble maiden. Imagining a love like this, I can’t help but be touched.

La Vie En Rose

Translated: Life through rose-tinted glasses

There's a new couple in my social circle, 2 dear friends very close to my heart, have after much prayer and waiting, decided to date each other. I am really happy for them, not only because they are so happy together now, but also because they have chosen to wait and seek God before they got together, a whole 2 months (or was it 3?). They did something that I desired but never had the resolve to. So my dear diabetic duo, I wish you 2 happiness and I am assured that no matter how things turn out, God will lead your paths :)

At the other end of the "happiness" spectrum, there's been quite a few troubled souls close to me in the past 2-3 months. One of them broke up with her first boyfriend in almost 30 years of her life. During our many conversations over MSN, lunch, dinner and coffee, L's always insisted that she pursues a simple kind of love with someone who loves travelling and animals like she does, has a decently stable career and is financially independent enough to support her and of course loves her. Not really tough demands I think, tho the problem is how she always gets more impressed by the bad boys, those with a bit more character, and tongues a little too glib for their own good. I recall a particular conversation like this (vaguely) -

L: I just want a simple romance now, not going to think about marriage or anything long-term or complicated. Just simply want to be with him.
Me: But isn't the simplest of romances those that set out to be with each other, with marriage as the ultimate goal? If marriage is unforeseeable, I think it makes things more complicated, not simpler...
L: Hmm... maybe...

To cut the story short, hers was a short-lived relationship. One in which 2 people met and fell for each other really quickly, and broke up just as quickly. Today, for the first time since her breakup 2 months ago, she admitted she realized how naive she had been. Before today, she had always maintained that it was love and she merely met him at the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn't probe what she felt she was naive about...

Because by then, I was reminded of myself in a previous relationship, one in which I rushed to fall into because I was available and so was he. Ignoring everything I've been taught about observing and waiting, we started dating. It was only after we broke up after 8-9 months, did I come to realize how little I knew him, but that wasn't the surprise. The real revelation that made me realize my mistake was how much I had deluded myself into trusting a guy I hardly knew. How I could, in order to fulfill my wanting for a boyfriend/partner, enter a committed relationship and believe that this man loves me, and will morph into the man of my dreams, even tho we don't really know each other.

The rest became history of course, and I only took a couple of weeks to get over him cos I knew immediately when he broke up with me over SMS, how much I meant to him, obviously much less than I thought.

I have been criticized more than a few times to remove my rose-tinted glasses and take a good look at the real world. I don't even know if the tinted-glasses are still on now, I suppose it's something we never know. But I know I believe that true love can be found, but only if the seeker believes in it with eyes wide open and a decent level of self-control. Is holding such beliefs naivety ala La Vie En Rose? Or is this simple logic that keeps us sane? Who's to say?

Who is the one with the rose-tinted glasses then? She who goes around indulging in romances and "live for the moment", hoping to land eventually with the Destined One? Or she who waits around for true love?

A love a lifetime (Part I)

Over beer and dinner the other night with the girls from the office, conversation meandered to the topic of love (predictable huh? bunch of girls can't possibly be talking about which engine's better turbo or NA right?).

T, who's been married for 2 years now, expressed that she's a hardcore cynic when it comes to the idea of "forever love", that it is possible for romantic love to be present at all times in a marriage. Her viewpoint was seconded by K, who was due to be married in a few months.

As I gathered my courage to sum up a rebuttal that on retrospect seems to border on naivety, I could only make my case that bit more solid by citing my personal experience as an observer in my parents' marriage - at no point have I ever noticed the absence of romantic love. In response to my opinion, K & T acknowledged that their parents too now hold hands and "lovey-dovey", but T explained her theory that as children are added to the equation of marriage, the feelings and attachment shared between the couple mutate to something that resembles more of obligation and kinship, particularly from the birth of the child until his/her teens, and then into something more of companionship... I did not probe further whether it could simply the nature of love that has changed, but love exists, only in a different form?

Listening best... when there's nothing said at all.

If there is anyone I am uncomfortable with, it is a person who likes leaving things unsaid. From a (fortunate?) series of events, I had the serendipity to finally realize why they do that - to avoid making a difficult decision, to leave room for future discussion, to enjoy a few more moments of peace, to wait for the answers that have yet come to mind, or simply to allow space for mystery, imagination and interpretation.

In one of our recent heated discussions, KT voiced loudly his frustrations at how I challenge his decisions and actions with "why". I then realized the question "why" has been such a common question I use, that it just comes as natural and as reasonable as rain or sun. "why" WAS my way of understanding the thought process of the other party, not "when" - for it is only a matter of time, not "what" - for that is the simplest to know, but "why" - my mind's been trained to use this key to open the mind of the other party, so that I not only understand the reason this time, but also learn to infer, imply and more confidently predict future behavior. If asked what my strength is, it is this - I have confidence in my ability to lead people once I've had enough time to spend with them to know what makes them tick.

But I used and caps the word "WAS" because that reason has since mutated. On the path to search for answers and understand the psychology of people, pride crept in. Unwittingly, I grew less respectful of one important right of every human being - individuality and personal space. I was failing to see that my measure of right and wrong, good and bad is not one that is or should be accepted by everyone. "why" has become my tool to condemn them, should they fail on my "ruler of right and wrong".

Just because I measure my own actions, behaviors and decisions in a certain way, doesn't mean others must follow my measurement standards. That there are indeed some who will not want to stand on this measure I lay out, who will not argue with me its correctness and acceptability, but will simply leave it (and me) in the cold - simply because they are not interested in this "correctness".

I then recall a phrase I learnt from a dear friend, that "being kind is more important than being right". What good is it, to ultimately know what's on a person's mind, but sacrifice the sincerity of the relationship?

More than one male friend have confessed their reluctant surrender to how "I manage to dig the answers out of (them) if it's something I'm bent on finding out". How do I do it? I think it's because I coax with logic - men relate to logic much better than women. Manipulative? I wouldn't think so, I do not use that information against them, if anything, it only serves to my private little piggybank of "mysteries solved". This method doesn't work as well on women, who follow their hearts, not logic. If the "nakedness" of exposing their thoughts to me makes them uncomfortable, they just shut me out, regardless whether what I ask makes sense or not.

Is this judging, condemning conviction-craved maniac who I want to be? No... not when it's been brought to such maniacal extremes, that I no longer listen with my heart, but only with my ears and my mind. That instead of seeking to understand, accept and love, I am not seeking to judge. When I decide arrogantly to ignore the "unspoken" answers that scream in my face, because "I will make them tell this to me with their lips".

Finally (thank GOD!) I admit defeat to my conscience and the still small voice, there is no use in forcing an answer and forever lose something so precious as a confidante, a friend, a soulmate. Respecting that things must take its time will reveal more about the person, that instant "why" answers will ever tell me. Patience in waiting, like for the proverbial metamorphosis of a cocoon so that one can behold the intricate beauty of a creature like the butterfly. Instant gratification does nothing, but satisfy and breeds more pride and hunger for knowledge in the head, but wilting of the soul.

Who can understand the almost wrenching feeling of loss when I began to realize the relations between this growing craving for knowledge has corresponded with the diminishing of my faith in fairytales, in miracles, in the value of romances that end in tragedy, to believe God can make all things right again, despite the mess we created for our own lives, to truthfully believe that friends remain special, no matter who they date or marry?

I am not sure if I can regain this faith, to correct the short-sightedness of my soul and spirit - because I want to, God-willing. Or is this simply something inescapable - a natural phase of growing older, growing up, eyes that saw that little light gets blinded as the darkness seems to be growing, even like it's here to stay and triumph, and my only hope if at all is only in the afterlife?

If it must happen, I am going to keep postponing it, by renewing my innocence, my child-like faith, as long as I can, according to His will. God is teaching me a lesson now, I know, to soften my heart. The tears I have cried in the past few months have not softened it, but hardened it - it's the wrong kind of tears, for the wrong reasons, but definitely the wrong reaction, when I should not do anything but to pray for them, rejoice with them and leave them in the hands of God - for even my own life is in His hands - who am I to weep for any love but His?

I think this is new... love the lyrics... so me! hehe

我不够认份 所以怕再为谁作出牺牲
爱要有天份 所以我始终学不会放任
我不够天真 不允许我傻傻的等
对自己残忍 多残忍 我要有分寸
我太过认真 所以才相信所谓的永恒
爱让人慌神 所以止不住不小心沉沦
我太负责任 不允许有太多悔恨
对自己坦诚 多坦诚 我自有分寸
我只是无辜的人 很需要叹气声
有一些文字的吻 只留给伤过的人
明知道有些问题 没有答案还是要问
原谅我 因为我就是 这样的女生

Uber-emo